Let’s face it — it’s awkward, usually inconvenient, and can be a total vibe killer. However, for the sake of communication, it is necessary to clear the air on occasion.
The perception of this conversation needs to change because it usually centres around the knots in your stomach, your sweaty-palms, and jittery nerves.
What if we changed the conversation in such a way that makes love and harmony the intention, to create mutual respect for one another?
Because it’s not about being right, it’s about being happy.
I believe that ‘healthy confrontation’ is a life-skill that is often overlooked, and needs to be developed in relationships because people need to know how to grow together (or apart) in the most peaceful way possible.
If you’re in a meeting with a couple colleagues, and you make a recommendation, but you get an eye-roll from the back of the room, it doesn’t feel very nice. However, if the meeting continues, and the very same colleague throws out a comment that’s riddled with sarcasm regarding your recommendation, and continues to dismiss you, it won’t take too long to drum up the courage to confront this issue.
What do you do? How do you face this person who is continually devaluing you? Do you face this person with your sweaty palms and all?
Miscommunication, assumptions, projections, things left unsaid, and stories all affect cohesiveness.
This is particularly true in a team, partnership, friendship, relationship etc. and affects the progression on an energetic level. This can often lead to grievances and grudges that end up weighing you down.
I love the following quote by Buddha, that can be used as a guiding principle when communicating, or confronting an issue the conscious way:
If you propose to speak, always ask yourself, is it true, is it necessary, is it kind?
On that note, here are 4 Tips to help you have a healthy confrontation:
1) Set the intention for peaceful resolve ahead of time.
Intention is everything. If you launch into attack mode, nothing will be accomplished except for possibly fulfilling your need to be right. A healthy confrontation will require you to go in with an open mind — and maybe more importantly — an open heart , so you can actually hear what the person has to say before rushing to judgement.
2) Seek to understand, not to respond.
Your tender ego will naturally want to defend it’s own beliefs and assumptions. Try to remember that you (and your tender ego) are not on trial, and neither is the person that you’re having the confrontation with. Do your best to detach from the situation and look at it from their perspective. Be contemplative. Leave room to wonder. Open your heart and your mind before you respond. No two people think alike, nor do they see things differently. Seek common ground, you may not necessarily agree with their position, however, stick to the objective of resolve.
3) Speak your mind.
Try phrases like:
- You know what, when you said [this], it bothered me.
- Am I reading into this, or do you have an issue with something I said?
- I truly want to understand.
Then give the other person the opportunity to respond, and listen intently to what they have to say. You may have missed something that could have rubbed them the wrong way. Again, this is not about people-pleasing, or about being liked. This is about seeking common ground.
4) Apologize and be unapologetic at the same time.
Apologize for not understanding their feelings however, don’t apologize for your position. This is not about you being swayed from your convictions or integrity. You are simply acknowledging that their feelings matter. This doesn’t mean that you have to agree with the other person. It just means that you value compassion and understanding over conflict.
Please note that this is often easier said than done. However, if you check our ego at the door and approach the confrontation from a place of love, peace, and harmony, you’ll accomplish so much more.
Who knows, you might even be able to get rid of those knots in your stomach.
We all have an inner teacher that sits quietly in the background and observes us. A teacher that possesses an omnipotent wisdom.
It transcends all intellect, logic, and ego and is fully accessible to us all.
It’s also the key to revealing who you really are, and what you’re here to do.
It longs to help guide you in making decisions; decisions that will help you flourish into the person that you were created to be.
However, it will only reveal itself more clearly if we give it permission to do so, because it respects your free will to make choices on your own without its help.
So you go through life making these decisions, carving out your plans of how things ‘should’ look, or what your home should look like, or your career, or even the partner whom you choose to share your life with.
You go on living and enjoying your life, because after all, that’s what you’re here for, right!?
If you were formless, how in the world would you enjoy this glorious, physical existence on Earth?
Yet even with your own senses, your perception so limited. And, your decisions are often dictated by what you can see, feel, or touch with these senses.
But what if there were a higher level of sight or perception?
How would you activate your higher vision, and learn to live with higher thinking based on love, not fear and access our limitless self?
I believe that if you have the courage to surrender all, to no longer control your outcome, that you will tap into the wisdom of your higher self.
And that is when your greatness and prowess will emerge, with the guidance of your inner teacher.
So how do you summon it?
When you declare that you are willing to see things differently and that you don’t have all the answers.
Not knowing is the portal to accessing infinite intelligence.
The inner teacher within will emerge and start to guide you to higher levels of perception and consciousness based on your permission, because you do have free will.
If you can silence the endless chatter in your mind, and get real quiet, you will begin to hear your internal guidance more clearly. It will lead you to a more fulfilling, purposeful, heart-centred life.
Through my own personal experience having a daily spiritual practice of meditation and stillness has helped me to check in with my internal guidance. I’ve found that it keeps me rooted, and more importantly, makes me feel supported.
Knowing that I have this guidance available to me always has given me an incredible amount of self-confidence in making decisions and trusting in my intuition overall.
No longer do I feel the need to sit down and have a panel discussion with my friends, family and associates to rely strictly on their opinions.
Instead I ask for their advice on occasion, but in the end I will always resort to my inner guidance to light the direction of my path.
Don’t forget that you too, have this incredible reservoir of information accessible to you, because we all do!
All you have to do is ask.
Now over to you: Do you rely and trust your internal guidance when making decisions? If so, I’d love to hear about how it has benefited your life.
OR, need advice?
Please feel free to share your heartfelt thoughts and comments on the blog with the rest of the community and I will reply.
Have faith, always.
A soul-deep transformation is not for the faint of heart.
It’s the kind of thing that goes beyond positive thinking.
No magic pill. No short cuts. No quick fixes.
You’ve got to do the inner work; there’s simply no way around it.
It takes an incredible amount of acceptance and unconditional love towards yourself.
It also requires your willingness to see things differently, to know that there is a better way. You have to hold onto the desire to be healed on the inside, to be free from the shackles of mental imprisonment, heartache, and pain in order to be restored and made whole.
My dear friends, you have to get to a place in your life where you have suffered long enough. Where you are so profoundly frustrated, sick and tired to the point that you are willing to let your knees hit the floor in absolute surrender. Some might call it rock bottom.
That is when the magic happens, in the surrender.
When you have come to the realization that you can no longer rely on your own strength, and that the stories you’ve been telling yourself are just not working, now is the best time to start rewriting those stories. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes of your old self, it is time to recreate the way you live.
A story that is brand new, without past conditioning, offers you a more fulfilled life that is full of hope.
The journey inward begins by healing your perception in order to remove all of the barriers getting in the way of the beautiful and prosperous things unfolding in your life.
There are 5 main things that will place you on the path to sustaining a transformational shift in your life:
1) Identify your stories.
Your story is the script that you recite in your mind that keeps a recurring theme rolling in your life. This theme is illusionary, and can lead to an unhappiness that you can’t break because of how you see yourself internally. This view of yourself is limited, victim-like, unworthy and imprisoned. These thinking patterns emerge to reinforce your story while certain life experiences occur to support it.
A transformation cannot happen until you have the awareness of their limitations. Identify those limitations, and your transformation will begin.
2) Take a heart detox.
Now that you have identified your story, you must find the courage to forgive yourself. Forgiveness can clear your heart, like taking a detox.
The heart is the seat of your soul, and breathes life into all that you do. If there are blockages or grievances in the heart, it can throw you out of alignment with the flow of the Universe. This, in turn, creates obstacles and unnecessary struggle.
Forgiveness is a process that heals the heart and sets you free by putting you in a state of grace. Find the inner strength to forgive.
3) Make the declaration.
Affirm that you are changed, whole, and complete.
Say it over and over again to yourself. Write it on a sticky note and post it on your mirror.
Let the newness of who you are in the now shine brightly. This will help you keep your eyes in front of you and it will also keep your heart open to what comes next in your life. Believe it in your heart that you are no longer the same person, share this awakening with those who love and support you, allow them to witness and support the change in you.
I can recall my bestie saying to me “Abby, you’re living in another dimension now!”
I told her, “Yeah, I know and I love it here!”
Embrace that you are changed.
4) Find a support group, coach, or guide.
You shouldn’t do this alone. Intense internal transformation requires a support network of people that can help you through this incredibly emotional time in your life.
In my life I’ve been extremely blessed to have a wonderful support group of family, friends, spiritual guides, coaches and mentors who support me along my path. I would not be the woman that I am today without them.
Find your own, and hang out with them regularly to keep you on your path.
5) Sustain your transformation through your own spiritual practice.
An important way that you can sustain your new transformational shift is through a spiritual practice.
Meditation has helped me tremendously, but for you it may be different. Taking a daily walk, lighting a candle and sitting in contemplation to reflect. Whatever it is, developing a practice that helps you to check in and connect to yourself can give you the strength and grace you need to see this new spiritual transformation through.
There is an amazing person inside of you waiting to break free. Will you give yourself the permission to shine forth in all of its glory?
The world is waiting for you to show up.
All for love,